where does the time go?

Holding it together ... barely, and I remember the date. 

Mijo called me last night to see how I was doing.  I had crawled in bed to sleep at 6pm.  Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to be awake.  It has been two years, and it feels like yesterday.  Hell, sometimes it feels like today.

I remember that day two years ago, sort of, as the crazy anxiety, the utter helplessness ... wanting to find that ER doc and hurt him ... or at least drag him to your room to see what his lack of professionalism and malpractice had done.  Ok, maybe he didn't do it, it was general ineptness.

I kept thinking you would have known what to do.  I just knew that if I was the one in a hospital bed that you would have been raising hell.  I was dancing on the edge of any kind of competence, calling trusted friends with medical knowledge.  And still coming up empty.

At least my persistence made them talk to us, tell us the truth.  You were already gone.

I feel a little bit like if I can't stop grieving that you can't be at peace.  And I don't know how to just love you and remember you without being sad, heartbroken, grief stricken. 

Looking forward to visiting you tomorrow in your special place, the one we found for you.

I miss you.

One Year, plus many other months

This has been sitting in the draft folder while I tried to find my own words to add here... after all this time, I am afraid that I still have none. I realized recently that I am still numb, that I have still not begun to truly grieve, and therefore I often find it hard to reach those words trapped in my numbness. They are there, as are the tears that spill out at odd and inconvenient times. Thinking of you ... and wishing you were here, every day.

Original post:

Where you used to be, 

there is a hole in the world, 

which I find myself constantly walking 

around in the daytime, 

and falling in at night. 

I miss you like hell.

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

There is a land of the living 

and a land of the dead 

and the bridge is love, 

the only survival, 

the only meaning. 

- Thornton Wilder

Easier?

They say it gets easier.

I keep waiting for it to just get not so hard.

We all miss you so much.

This weekend we honored your wish to give Tia Chita her 80th birthday.  She was so surprised.  I know you would have been so pleased.

miss you everyday

Thinking about this day twenty five years ago and missing you so much.

look alikes

This is the last picture you sent me ... and I know it was what you looked at every morning and every night.  And I know you are with these two every day ... and especially today.

You were with us

We brought you and Greg specifically to the wedding by adding these charms to the bouquet and asking Kevin for something of yours for Angelique to wear.

Kevin gave Angelique this ring and your work badge (which she tucked into her dress).

Looking back at the photos, I realize you are always with us...

in the bodies of these bundles of joy.

And the brother and sister you brought to our lives.

Miss you...